How is it possible that every time you hear an Al Green song, that everything in your life seems good? For instance, one of my favorites is, “I’m still in love with you”….. (Go figure) I think the power of music is not given the credit it’s due. I love music. Music, for me, has shaped my life and helped me through the worst of times. See at 36, I get the benefit of the 70’s, 80’s, 90’s and it still continues. Well, everything, but country. Okay, maybe a one or two songs, but that’s it. The funny part is how many mid 30s white guys can name 5 songs by Jodeci? For the record, I’m not calling anyone out here or comparing races or even stereotyping individuals, so let that debate go. What I’m saying, is about me because I have no idea about you guys and what your likes and dislikes are. I was lucky enough to find a person who shared this love for music more than or just as much as I do. Anyways, I wanted to start this thing off with a different flow today, so I decided to talk about music. The hard part is trying to listen the varieties out there, but yet try to stay current and the other issue is finding a something that is child friendly. See, having an 8 year old son, you really can’t be listening to some of this new school hip hop. I mean its pretty bad when he’s walking around, sayin “hey bay bay” Nope, I don’t wanna hear all that coming out of his mouth, but this is not to say that, “buy you a drank” is any better, but this is where we try to find the happy medium. Myself, I love the old school R&B, old school hip hop, 80’s. It all depends on my mood I guess.
I would be a fool not to address this issue as well, it seems that there are some “haters” for lack of a better term, out there, who wait impatiently everyday for me to bless them with my version of the gospel, as told by yours truly. It seems that what I write is a little too sensitive for some persons. WHY? I’m not asking you to read this. I used this as avenue for one person’s eyes only and she knows who she is. I’m sayin what I have to say and what I want to say. If I’m not being nice about, sorry, I can’t worry about that. I have learned that the world isn’t a very nice place. With that being said, I hear that we have a new subscriber and I don’t wanna be rude, so does anyone have any guesses? I will give you a couple hints…. First hint, “get in my belly” second hint, “white caps”……. The first person to respond with the correct answer will win a lifetime membership to be my exclusive club. (See me for details) I do have to say, that I really like our “newbie” reader, he (oops, another hint) was married and still is, even after his extra circular activities, I guess infidelity did make his marriage stronger. Who would have thought that? Well, welcome my friend.
Movin on, does anyone have big plans for the extended weekend? Sorry, I needed to break up things up a little. Okay, let’s trudge forward. I have a question for you guys, has your life gotten better with age? Oh, I’m sorry; I can’t talk about that with you guys? Please. This is one subject that I can speak about confidently. Personally, I don’t know what it is or what it’s about, but man, I love being with a woman now. Not to say I didn’t before, but now I really take in the moment and enjoy the closeness. Hey for all the men out there, if you think, or feel your lacking in the pleasing of the female, I offer this advice to you…. “You’re satisfaction comes second”. It’s a simple theory if you think about. Sexually it’s harder for woman to achieve that special feeling, than a man. Go ahead, tell I’m full of s**t. The other thing is most women; don’t want a man that they have to “train” in order to make the sex somewhat okay. Women want a man who knows where the man in boat resides. (Sorry, I had to borrow that line from californication), but it’s so true. Also, I’m no therapist and I’m not claiming to be God’s gift to sex, I’m just saying, it takes years, to “get it”. Which is why I asked the original question about age? As for me, I have had my downfalls with the female persuasion, but it has made me so much better. Well, sort of. Allow me to explain. See, I had the instance where I could not “rise” to the occasion once. (Twice) This is not the most flattering thing to talk about, but like I said, I will share anything and everything with you. The first time it happened to me I was younger and didn’t really understand what happened. Oh yeah, guys, why is it when it happens that the woman’s first words are, “is it me?” I think that makes the whole thing that much more demeaning. Not only are you feeling horrible, here before you is a woman ready to share the most intimate of moments, and now she has this feeling of being inadequate. Well, in my case, the first time, the young lady assured me afterward that things were good with us. A week later I was single. Coincidence? I think not. She broke up with me and it sucked. So, from that point forward, I took the vow to myself that this would never happen to me again. And it didn’t………… well, until recently. After years of having this streak in tact and always being “up” at anytime or any place, I had a major slip up. Now, understand that during the “up streak” if you will, there were a few short outings, but I was always to “rise” up. So, when the second time reared its ugly head, it affected me greatly. I mean I know I’m an ass a lot of the times, but I prided myself in my “sex” game. Okay, I still need to work on the intimacy thing, but overall it was a very pleasing experience. At least I thought so. With the second “short coming”, I got real freaked out because I was so scared of what the woman was thinking. And guess what her first words were….. “Is it me?” Damn! Oh yeah, than my second fear was being kicked to the curb and guess what? That happened as well. Damn again! So, I really wanted another chance because I couldn’t or didn’t want to go out like that. Not me, but I did. So much for “coming up big.” (That was pretty funny) This was the last time I was with someone and it kinda sucks, because I really like that part of relationships, friendships, etc. Now a lot of you can laugh and point fingers, but that experience has taught me about, KARMA. I was once like the rest of you and laughed at others when I heard there stories of not “coming up” and look what happened. I have learned through all of this not to tempt or force the hand of karma, because it can strike at the worst moments and leave you in a world of shame.
the quote of the day:
"The difference between school and life? In school, you're taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, you're given a test that teaches you a lesson."
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Good times, bad times, you know I had my share
Yet, another day passes and I’m wondering how do you feel about me? Last night was a real good time and the conversation was good as well. Even if you had a little fun with me at the mall with your comment. I do have to say that you looked great. Sorry, but I couldn’t keep my eyes of you. Have you been eating or did you just stop? Okay, I’ll move on, I wouldn’t want to make my “friend” too uncomfortable.
So, where should we start? Yesterday’s writing seemed to get a lot of people thinking and it left you speechless. I guess talking to you in person isn’t the easiest, but in this type of arena, I tend to really be able to get my point across.
Well, it’s Thursday and I can’t wait to have this extra day off the for the Labor Day holiday. I wish I could start every work week on Tuesday. As for me, I may be going north to see the parents and yes, maybe I’ll get online and let them read about my trials and tribulations. Like I said, I got nothing to hide and everyone is fair game. I realize now at this time of my life, that being honest is the most important thing. I will not hold back on what I to say. If you’re a moron, I will call you out.
This morning on the way in to work, the radio was playing, “if you think your lonely now”, by Bobby Womack. Why is it that every R&B song you hear, most of them you can relate with, when your in love or with a broken heart? Well, anyways, maybe it’s just me.
I can say that this whole experience has taught me a great deal, not only about myself, but really about others. In particularly, women. I mean, I knew women were caring, soft, nurturing, etc. The things I didn’t know, is that women don’t forget real easy. It’s easy for a man to forgive and forget, but women may forgive, but never forget. I think that is a very good quality for one simple reason, they learn from there mistakes. Unlike men, who keep making the same mistake over and over again? Now, I may get some negative feedback from the men who read this, but like I said earlier, get over it. I say this because it has led me to my current state of affairs. See, I want to forgive and forget and be this “new” man for you. I want to be in love with you and not just love you. I thought it was that simple…. Nope, it’s really not. After some discussions and talking with you, I see the damage that has been done and even if an incident has happened years ago, the scar remains. Some people follow this path and swallow there pride, due to the love they have for the other person, but if that feeling continues to fester, it will explode and the aftermath is very tough to deal with. I see the damage I caused, I really do, but unlike most men in my case, I want to at least try and salvage what I can with you. If that means a friendship at first, fine. I realize that I will have to start all over. I understand the fragile nature of this and you did a terrific job in explaining this to me. I want to show you that I have grown mentally and that I can handle an adult relationship. I also understand that your feelings are nothing to be taken for granted. Communication, trust, honesty, and respect are the keys to having that successful relationship. I want you to be able to give me your heart and not have me treat it like hacky sack and in turn I want to give you mine and not have to worry that you’re going to do wrong with it. That was another issue of mine…. Being paranoid. Maybe, it was too many episodes of the “X-files” you know, the whole trust no one thing. Sorry, I’m just sharing.
Let’s just get to the quote for today:
“Love is the attempt to form a friendship inspired by beauty”
So, where should we start? Yesterday’s writing seemed to get a lot of people thinking and it left you speechless. I guess talking to you in person isn’t the easiest, but in this type of arena, I tend to really be able to get my point across.
Well, it’s Thursday and I can’t wait to have this extra day off the for the Labor Day holiday. I wish I could start every work week on Tuesday. As for me, I may be going north to see the parents and yes, maybe I’ll get online and let them read about my trials and tribulations. Like I said, I got nothing to hide and everyone is fair game. I realize now at this time of my life, that being honest is the most important thing. I will not hold back on what I to say. If you’re a moron, I will call you out.
This morning on the way in to work, the radio was playing, “if you think your lonely now”, by Bobby Womack. Why is it that every R&B song you hear, most of them you can relate with, when your in love or with a broken heart? Well, anyways, maybe it’s just me.
I can say that this whole experience has taught me a great deal, not only about myself, but really about others. In particularly, women. I mean, I knew women were caring, soft, nurturing, etc. The things I didn’t know, is that women don’t forget real easy. It’s easy for a man to forgive and forget, but women may forgive, but never forget. I think that is a very good quality for one simple reason, they learn from there mistakes. Unlike men, who keep making the same mistake over and over again? Now, I may get some negative feedback from the men who read this, but like I said earlier, get over it. I say this because it has led me to my current state of affairs. See, I want to forgive and forget and be this “new” man for you. I want to be in love with you and not just love you. I thought it was that simple…. Nope, it’s really not. After some discussions and talking with you, I see the damage that has been done and even if an incident has happened years ago, the scar remains. Some people follow this path and swallow there pride, due to the love they have for the other person, but if that feeling continues to fester, it will explode and the aftermath is very tough to deal with. I see the damage I caused, I really do, but unlike most men in my case, I want to at least try and salvage what I can with you. If that means a friendship at first, fine. I realize that I will have to start all over. I understand the fragile nature of this and you did a terrific job in explaining this to me. I want to show you that I have grown mentally and that I can handle an adult relationship. I also understand that your feelings are nothing to be taken for granted. Communication, trust, honesty, and respect are the keys to having that successful relationship. I want you to be able to give me your heart and not have me treat it like hacky sack and in turn I want to give you mine and not have to worry that you’re going to do wrong with it. That was another issue of mine…. Being paranoid. Maybe, it was too many episodes of the “X-files” you know, the whole trust no one thing. Sorry, I’m just sharing.
Let’s just get to the quote for today:
“Love is the attempt to form a friendship inspired by beauty”
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
The Power of Words
Good morning everyone and thanks for tuning into todays installment. It seems that my writings have ruffled the feathers of some people. Well, I feel great about it. First off thanks for takin the time in todays busy world and reading. Secondly, I have to say, man up. Stop being such a cry baby. ( you know who you are) Lastly, if you can't play with the big dogs, don't come off the porch. I mean seriously.... get over it.
Okay, now that I got that outta way, lets talk. Todays disertation is going to be a little different. Today, I come outta the closet. I think its about time that I tell you guys what the hell it is that I have done wrong. Okay, I may not get everything, but I will touch on the highlights. Where should I start? Here, my name is Tracy Alan Brown. I'm the author of these writings and this is my story, as told by me. Let's take a trip back in time, the year was 1993, Schindler's List is hit at the box office, Eric Clapton's Unplugged album was winning all the awards and I was working at Cub Foods - Capitol Court. I was a 21 year old guy with no ambition, no goals, and still lived at home, but my bright spot was seeing her come in with mother shopping every weekend. Although she was a bit younger (4 years) than me, I loved the way we would play cat and mouse in the store. Well, as luck would have it we ended up dating. I have to say, it was a little weird at first for me, due to the fact I was of age and alot of my friends really cared about goin out every night and drinkin. Me, I was kinda caught in the middle. Part of me wanted to get this part of my life over and done with, but the other part loved being with, although I wasn't really good at expressing it. Up until the time that we dated, I had really only had two real relationships. One was with Tammie, who was the first, but she turned out to be a little whoreish. Sorry, just keeping it real. Secondly, came Jenny (go figure) she had money, but wasn't the brightest bulb on the string. Dominique entered my life and she so different from the previous two that it took me off guard. The relationship didn't really the way she would have wanted it, due to my immaturity and the fact that I never had a woman love me as much as she did. Yes, I blame my upbringin for that one. I think had I have come from more of loving household, I would have done better, but anyways. You ended up braking up with me in the parking lot of Cub Foods, it was a beautiful sunny day, and you looked very hot in that sundress. I tried to be cool and told you to beat it. What did I care? I could replace with the snap of my fingers. Yeah, right. That theory was so off base. Within a month or so, I was missing you tremendously. Yes, I would come in Pick-N-Save and stalk you. Hell, I even made up about a story about my fathers death, in order to talk to you. Yes, that was very extreme, but I was desparate. Well, you did talk to me for a little while and after moving back home, due to a failed relationship with Mike, but that was short lived. So, this time, I sought the help of your co-worker, Alex. I ended up on her doorstep, tryin to gain an advantage. Enter the Mad Planet.... we talked and than you disappeared, than reappeared, only to find me dancing with some freaky (not the good kind either) chick. We left together and talked. From that talk, we moved out together. I still remember getting the call, because you were at Grease, with Alex. It was really fun for the two of and the two cats. It was really cute, but from some of my previous actions, the horrible consequences would be showing up and the result: lies. Yes, I should have told you of my Chapter 13 bankruptcy, but I thought I could hide. I wasn't proud of it. Especially, being with you. You were a stickler with the books. I was so impressed by abililty to manage money. Yet another tool I did not have going into the real world. Well, we were still together and moved downstairs till that faithful day you broke the news that we were going to have a baby. I never understood why you cried, until now. Our relationship wasn't very good, in fact you were ready to cut your losses and move out. Well, that kinda changed with the news of the Nickster. During the 9 month period, I know I wasn't very supportive, but again, that due to some upbringin issues. If I could do all again, I would be there through the good and bad. In May of 1999, Nick arrived in our life and it was fantastic. For years, I never wanted to be a parent or even have children, but man, he was so neat. We were parents and now we had to worry about a whole new set of circumstances. Months after Nick was born, you were at your wits end and sought the company of someone who was giving the emotional love you needed. With the realizatinon of me actually losing you, I stepped up my game, and saved the relationship. This would become a trend for me. Now, I must warn you this is where things got really outta control. I was working for Perlick at the time and I befriended a woman there. This is where Sandy enters the picture. She was an older woman, no physical or mental attraction at all. She was more of older sister to me, but I did use her for my personal gain. See, her sister worked for Wal-Mart and at that time I was huge into collecting Hotwheels. What an oppurtunity for me or so I thought. See, instead of just coming out and telling you this, I did hide it because I knew how sensitive you were and the security issues you had. Well, this blew up in my face. That was the last of that. Enter Norlight.... (yes, I know I'm not staying in a chronological order here, sorry) By this time, I had done some stupid things as mention, but there were other stupid things that I have missed, but let me add a couple. You were there to bail me out of my credit card debt, that I was too embarassed to tell you about. There was the help with gettin the Escort. There was my hiding of the bank statements because I was afraid to tell you that I took out money. Yeah, I know, its was very patheic on my part, but you never understood how I looked up to you and with every mistake, I felt lower and lower. Anyways, once at Norlight, I was exposed to a whole new group of people. Unlike Perlick, there were a bunch of persons in peer group. Which spelled trouble for me... Anyways, as would go, I wanted a car, well, besides the Mazda, which you helped again, but I wanted a Hot Rod. At this point in our professional lives we were doing really well. So, you put your name and credit down, and here's the 72' Firebird. That was a mistake from the word go. Instead of a damn car, we should have went on a family vacation, but I digress. With your help of paying the bills, I was able to get a unsecured loan via the stupid credit union. I blew the money faster than I could get it. Yes, I spent lots of money on that stupid car. Wait, it gets better. We finally get our first house. So, here we are with three cars, two cats, and great little man. What could be better? This would be a great end here, but I ruined this too. See, one day in the mail, I get this letter saying, you can $5k, just come on in. You have been pre-approved. What a dumb ass I was. Yeah, borrow, $5k and end up payin back $12k with interest. Now, its time for math, see that journal loan was up to about $8k, even though I only took out about $3k, I never factored in interest. So, here I am $20k in the hole and having no one to tell about it. I used that money primarily on that car. I didn't care at the time. I wanted that car to be a representation of me and it was. Basically, it looked great on the outside, but inside it wasn't very sound. Okay, so now I'm startin to realize that the payments on this "loan" are coming due, but how in the hell am I going to swing this? Wait, let's refinance the house, so I can eliminate this. Well, we did, which was also a huge mistake, but here I come to find out that "loan" was actually taken out against my home. WTF? Yeah, I learned alot that day. Well, we did all of this and things were okay for a little while, but you weren't happy. You wanted to be married and I wanted to marry you. So, we ended up getting married. Our wedding was something that seemed rather shotgun. The court house was okay, but again, I wish I could get a do-over.
Here's the weird, part. We have been together for so long now and I have dragged you through some stuff, but you were there hangin on. I couldn't have been more happy with you. You stood by me no matter what. So, how do I repay you for this, well, this is where Jennifer comes in. Here was the final straw. This is was the single most worst thing that happen. Jennifer worked at Norlight and I let myself get caught up with her. Yes, for me, it was the thrill of having some chick sweating me and me being able to play the mind games I played. There were two work parties where I crossed the line and it wasn't a very good feeling. See, I kissed this girl twice and no, it wasn't some passionate thing. It just happened and I felt so nasty afterward. I still hate myself for it. So, the work group at Norlight we very instrumental in making me stray from you, but I thought I could handle there charges. Here's one example of where I played a joke on some people at work, but ended up having the joke turn tragic. I purchased a stunning bracelet for you from Tiffany, but in the effort of surprises I had the item shipped to me at work. So, I took the box and wrote up the attached card like it was gift for Jennifer. I did this to fool the morons I worked with. Maybe I did it to give them something to talk about. Anyways, it should have ended there and I should have thrown the stupid card away. I didn't. I was taking some papers home from work one night and realized that the damn card was mixed up in the bunch. Okay, rip it up and throw it away. No harm, no foul, but I didn't. When I realized I had it, I was running late for work and just stuck the damn card under the mattress. Thinking I would be safe, at least till I got home...... No, that didn't happen. See, that lovers intuition (sometimes referred to as being "crazy") had you look under the matress that day. Well, need I tell everyone what happened? Not real good tryin to explain this card that had a name of another woman on it, along with some other words. GREAT JOB TRACY!
This is where things rapidly went downhill fast. Due to the intuition, you started to uncover some other things, like the cell bill, which again, I was mad than, but totally understand it now. So, being upset, because I felt like I was being watched with every step. There was no trust, but that due to earlier instances, and this situation didn't help my case.
This is the piece of the story that I never was able to tell you. I was in a very bad place and I felt like life was passing my by. I felt inadequate to you as a lover, friend, husband, and as a father to nick. I struggled inside and really wanted to reach out to you, but I was so afraid of the rejection that I continued to bottle up the emotion. I was an empty shell of a man. A man emotinally bankrupt. A man who didn't deserve anything or so I thought. So after an incredible week together, 9 days before Christmas, I made the single worse decision of my life. I had you served with divorce papers. I ended up hiding out at Rick apartment, just because I feared that you would have killed me. That holiday I spent upnorth and I couldn't bare the fact of being away and I realized that I made a HUGE mistake. I came home for Christmas and I told you we could work on this. Once at home, your display of the emotion you had for me was incredible and I started to learn to express myself, but not fully. I still wasn't ready, but the divorce still proceeded. See, I couldn't commit or re-commit to you, because I know you were gettin tired of giving me the chance. I mean the physical relationship was there, but you wanted more and I wasn't ready. Sorry, I'm going to fast foward here in an effort to save time. I do have to do some work today. Anyways, when I finally came to finding me, it was too late. You were gone. The house was empty. We were divorced and I made the decsion to fight, even if I lose the battle, I wasn't going out like this. You know the story as well as I do. You lived it too. I know I hurt you. This is not some thing to win you back and there are extravagant gifts to hand this time. You're the one person who I love. I mean really love. I get it now. I know now may be a little late. For once in my life, I have no problems showing emotion. I have not issues reconginzing what you need. I have no issues giving you the attention needed. I don't have expectations, but I do get impatient. I want to show you what I'm all about now. I wanna love you.
todays quote:
One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.
Okay, now that I got that outta way, lets talk. Todays disertation is going to be a little different. Today, I come outta the closet. I think its about time that I tell you guys what the hell it is that I have done wrong. Okay, I may not get everything, but I will touch on the highlights. Where should I start? Here, my name is Tracy Alan Brown. I'm the author of these writings and this is my story, as told by me. Let's take a trip back in time, the year was 1993, Schindler's List is hit at the box office, Eric Clapton's Unplugged album was winning all the awards and I was working at Cub Foods - Capitol Court. I was a 21 year old guy with no ambition, no goals, and still lived at home, but my bright spot was seeing her come in with mother shopping every weekend. Although she was a bit younger (4 years) than me, I loved the way we would play cat and mouse in the store. Well, as luck would have it we ended up dating. I have to say, it was a little weird at first for me, due to the fact I was of age and alot of my friends really cared about goin out every night and drinkin. Me, I was kinda caught in the middle. Part of me wanted to get this part of my life over and done with, but the other part loved being with, although I wasn't really good at expressing it. Up until the time that we dated, I had really only had two real relationships. One was with Tammie, who was the first, but she turned out to be a little whoreish. Sorry, just keeping it real. Secondly, came Jenny (go figure) she had money, but wasn't the brightest bulb on the string. Dominique entered my life and she so different from the previous two that it took me off guard. The relationship didn't really the way she would have wanted it, due to my immaturity and the fact that I never had a woman love me as much as she did. Yes, I blame my upbringin for that one. I think had I have come from more of loving household, I would have done better, but anyways. You ended up braking up with me in the parking lot of Cub Foods, it was a beautiful sunny day, and you looked very hot in that sundress. I tried to be cool and told you to beat it. What did I care? I could replace with the snap of my fingers. Yeah, right. That theory was so off base. Within a month or so, I was missing you tremendously. Yes, I would come in Pick-N-Save and stalk you. Hell, I even made up about a story about my fathers death, in order to talk to you. Yes, that was very extreme, but I was desparate. Well, you did talk to me for a little while and after moving back home, due to a failed relationship with Mike, but that was short lived. So, this time, I sought the help of your co-worker, Alex. I ended up on her doorstep, tryin to gain an advantage. Enter the Mad Planet.... we talked and than you disappeared, than reappeared, only to find me dancing with some freaky (not the good kind either) chick. We left together and talked. From that talk, we moved out together. I still remember getting the call, because you were at Grease, with Alex. It was really fun for the two of and the two cats. It was really cute, but from some of my previous actions, the horrible consequences would be showing up and the result: lies. Yes, I should have told you of my Chapter 13 bankruptcy, but I thought I could hide. I wasn't proud of it. Especially, being with you. You were a stickler with the books. I was so impressed by abililty to manage money. Yet another tool I did not have going into the real world. Well, we were still together and moved downstairs till that faithful day you broke the news that we were going to have a baby. I never understood why you cried, until now. Our relationship wasn't very good, in fact you were ready to cut your losses and move out. Well, that kinda changed with the news of the Nickster. During the 9 month period, I know I wasn't very supportive, but again, that due to some upbringin issues. If I could do all again, I would be there through the good and bad. In May of 1999, Nick arrived in our life and it was fantastic. For years, I never wanted to be a parent or even have children, but man, he was so neat. We were parents and now we had to worry about a whole new set of circumstances. Months after Nick was born, you were at your wits end and sought the company of someone who was giving the emotional love you needed. With the realizatinon of me actually losing you, I stepped up my game, and saved the relationship. This would become a trend for me. Now, I must warn you this is where things got really outta control. I was working for Perlick at the time and I befriended a woman there. This is where Sandy enters the picture. She was an older woman, no physical or mental attraction at all. She was more of older sister to me, but I did use her for my personal gain. See, her sister worked for Wal-Mart and at that time I was huge into collecting Hotwheels. What an oppurtunity for me or so I thought. See, instead of just coming out and telling you this, I did hide it because I knew how sensitive you were and the security issues you had. Well, this blew up in my face. That was the last of that. Enter Norlight.... (yes, I know I'm not staying in a chronological order here, sorry) By this time, I had done some stupid things as mention, but there were other stupid things that I have missed, but let me add a couple. You were there to bail me out of my credit card debt, that I was too embarassed to tell you about. There was the help with gettin the Escort. There was my hiding of the bank statements because I was afraid to tell you that I took out money. Yeah, I know, its was very patheic on my part, but you never understood how I looked up to you and with every mistake, I felt lower and lower. Anyways, once at Norlight, I was exposed to a whole new group of people. Unlike Perlick, there were a bunch of persons in peer group. Which spelled trouble for me... Anyways, as would go, I wanted a car, well, besides the Mazda, which you helped again, but I wanted a Hot Rod. At this point in our professional lives we were doing really well. So, you put your name and credit down, and here's the 72' Firebird. That was a mistake from the word go. Instead of a damn car, we should have went on a family vacation, but I digress. With your help of paying the bills, I was able to get a unsecured loan via the stupid credit union. I blew the money faster than I could get it. Yes, I spent lots of money on that stupid car. Wait, it gets better. We finally get our first house. So, here we are with three cars, two cats, and great little man. What could be better? This would be a great end here, but I ruined this too. See, one day in the mail, I get this letter saying, you can $5k, just come on in. You have been pre-approved. What a dumb ass I was. Yeah, borrow, $5k and end up payin back $12k with interest. Now, its time for math, see that journal loan was up to about $8k, even though I only took out about $3k, I never factored in interest. So, here I am $20k in the hole and having no one to tell about it. I used that money primarily on that car. I didn't care at the time. I wanted that car to be a representation of me and it was. Basically, it looked great on the outside, but inside it wasn't very sound. Okay, so now I'm startin to realize that the payments on this "loan" are coming due, but how in the hell am I going to swing this? Wait, let's refinance the house, so I can eliminate this. Well, we did, which was also a huge mistake, but here I come to find out that "loan" was actually taken out against my home. WTF? Yeah, I learned alot that day. Well, we did all of this and things were okay for a little while, but you weren't happy. You wanted to be married and I wanted to marry you. So, we ended up getting married. Our wedding was something that seemed rather shotgun. The court house was okay, but again, I wish I could get a do-over.
Here's the weird, part. We have been together for so long now and I have dragged you through some stuff, but you were there hangin on. I couldn't have been more happy with you. You stood by me no matter what. So, how do I repay you for this, well, this is where Jennifer comes in. Here was the final straw. This is was the single most worst thing that happen. Jennifer worked at Norlight and I let myself get caught up with her. Yes, for me, it was the thrill of having some chick sweating me and me being able to play the mind games I played. There were two work parties where I crossed the line and it wasn't a very good feeling. See, I kissed this girl twice and no, it wasn't some passionate thing. It just happened and I felt so nasty afterward. I still hate myself for it. So, the work group at Norlight we very instrumental in making me stray from you, but I thought I could handle there charges. Here's one example of where I played a joke on some people at work, but ended up having the joke turn tragic. I purchased a stunning bracelet for you from Tiffany, but in the effort of surprises I had the item shipped to me at work. So, I took the box and wrote up the attached card like it was gift for Jennifer. I did this to fool the morons I worked with. Maybe I did it to give them something to talk about. Anyways, it should have ended there and I should have thrown the stupid card away. I didn't. I was taking some papers home from work one night and realized that the damn card was mixed up in the bunch. Okay, rip it up and throw it away. No harm, no foul, but I didn't. When I realized I had it, I was running late for work and just stuck the damn card under the mattress. Thinking I would be safe, at least till I got home...... No, that didn't happen. See, that lovers intuition (sometimes referred to as being "crazy") had you look under the matress that day. Well, need I tell everyone what happened? Not real good tryin to explain this card that had a name of another woman on it, along with some other words. GREAT JOB TRACY!
This is where things rapidly went downhill fast. Due to the intuition, you started to uncover some other things, like the cell bill, which again, I was mad than, but totally understand it now. So, being upset, because I felt like I was being watched with every step. There was no trust, but that due to earlier instances, and this situation didn't help my case.
This is the piece of the story that I never was able to tell you. I was in a very bad place and I felt like life was passing my by. I felt inadequate to you as a lover, friend, husband, and as a father to nick. I struggled inside and really wanted to reach out to you, but I was so afraid of the rejection that I continued to bottle up the emotion. I was an empty shell of a man. A man emotinally bankrupt. A man who didn't deserve anything or so I thought. So after an incredible week together, 9 days before Christmas, I made the single worse decision of my life. I had you served with divorce papers. I ended up hiding out at Rick apartment, just because I feared that you would have killed me. That holiday I spent upnorth and I couldn't bare the fact of being away and I realized that I made a HUGE mistake. I came home for Christmas and I told you we could work on this. Once at home, your display of the emotion you had for me was incredible and I started to learn to express myself, but not fully. I still wasn't ready, but the divorce still proceeded. See, I couldn't commit or re-commit to you, because I know you were gettin tired of giving me the chance. I mean the physical relationship was there, but you wanted more and I wasn't ready. Sorry, I'm going to fast foward here in an effort to save time. I do have to do some work today. Anyways, when I finally came to finding me, it was too late. You were gone. The house was empty. We were divorced and I made the decsion to fight, even if I lose the battle, I wasn't going out like this. You know the story as well as I do. You lived it too. I know I hurt you. This is not some thing to win you back and there are extravagant gifts to hand this time. You're the one person who I love. I mean really love. I get it now. I know now may be a little late. For once in my life, I have no problems showing emotion. I have not issues reconginzing what you need. I have no issues giving you the attention needed. I don't have expectations, but I do get impatient. I want to show you what I'm all about now. I wanna love you.
todays quote:
One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Could the winds of change be on the horizon
you know there's nothing like a early Tuesday morning listening to Barry White..... maybe its just me.... no, it's not. i started to drift off and think of the intimate times we shared and how we fit together so perfectly one way, but when it came to the mental part of the relationship, i failed real bad. the funny part is realizing at 36 all the mistakes you have made in life and than trying to figure out a way to repair the damage. pretty much impossible, because just like a credit report, your mistakes are with you forever. the other suck part, for me at least is being this old and wanting to experience love. i know that may sound a little strange, i mean i have been in love, but i mean "love".. the kind that makes were you think about the other person 24/7. or the kinda where you just are consumed by the other person. i was under the impression that i was getting that chance, but that was not to be due to my past once again, but here's the kicker, my dumb ass thought that maybe i could just make this happen or try to create it with you. i really didn't understand that due to some incidents from my past, that it wasn't that easy for you, but i did try. at least i thought so, but because i had a sharing issue, i was no longer part of your life. the hard part of all this is going from day to day and being this "new" or "changed" man, but still having a past that continues to haunt me. we don't choose the people that well fall in love with, it just happens. yeah, maybe it happened at very bad time for me, but i will not just ignore this feeling. I LOVE YOU. i don't care if you don't love me anymore, because of the lies or the whole jennifer thing. for being a 30 something year old man, i acted like a damn 17 year old kid. do you know how it feels? okay, stupid question. of course you do, but about a million times worse. most of the time, i feel i shouldn't even be here with you. why couldn't i have seen who you were? why could i not see how you cared till now?
the funny thing is the tears that i cry sometimes and how real they are. the whole thing just makes me feel like giving up completely... but than i remember the one bright spot in my life, nick-tini. i think without him i would gone nuts or worse. yes, i'm sorry for sending home to you with those messages. don't be mad at him. i was me who put him up to it.
let's change gears here for a minute, last night i got the chance to test the new dvr and man, it was cool. i can record anything. i think pausing live tv is also the most incredible thing, well besides you of course... silly. see, last night i had to UPS and do my orientation/drug test. i hate drug tests.. especially, when there has to someone in there with you. i'm not good at peeing for a crowd. serious. that is the reason why i never joined the army. yes, that's right. i did all the tests and when it came time to pee, the well was dry. i must have drank 2 liters of water, but nothing and why? simple, theres some dude there making sure your not tainting the sample. whatever. anyways, i passed last night. go figure. so, the orientation went on forever because we had two morons in the class who were just so damn dumb and kept asking all these questions that had no relevance to the job. i damn near fell asleep. oh wait, before all of this, when i picked up nick, the checkout girl didn't even card me... hey, great security. anyways, we got home and i fed the monster son. i needed to do some wash and proceeded to the washer from hell. i guess i was so use to "our"/ your washer and dumped my clothes in, but i did put my soap in first. (wonder who taught me that) so, clothes are washing, i'm feeding the boo boo's and little boo boo's when suddenly the washer in clunking and rocking. it sounded like a damn like someone was picking it up and slammin it down over and over. i run down stairs like a track star only to find the washer is sideways and rockin. well, it turns out that "my" borrowed washer cannot really handle the load i expected. now that sucks. theres nothing worse than havin wet clothes sit out. here's where you come in, i remember being yelled at for load size. bigger loads = not very clean clothes. all is well now, i just to rewash everything.
okay, let's wrap up today's ramblings. how should i close? wait, i know, let's talk expecatations. peep the following quote, "I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.” - Fredrick Perls.
let me try to explain why i like this quote. for years, i tried or that i had to live up to some "set" expectation level for your approval. only to realize that you had no expectation level, you just wanted to be appreicated, respected, and cared for. can you believe it was that simple? where did i get off the path? well, i'm back on track, and maybe too late, but i can't give up yet.......
i also want to say, thank you for textin me and at least tryin to express how you feel. yes, i do get a little impatient, but i just want to show you how much i care for you, maybe more than you understand. i miss playin with your hair, rubbing your feet, thinking the same thoughts as you, and i miss just being with you.
i will watch nick this weekend. i could use the company. you go on out and have a good time.
expect nothing, and know that great things lie ahead for you...
the funny thing is the tears that i cry sometimes and how real they are. the whole thing just makes me feel like giving up completely... but than i remember the one bright spot in my life, nick-tini. i think without him i would gone nuts or worse. yes, i'm sorry for sending home to you with those messages. don't be mad at him. i was me who put him up to it.
let's change gears here for a minute, last night i got the chance to test the new dvr and man, it was cool. i can record anything. i think pausing live tv is also the most incredible thing, well besides you of course... silly. see, last night i had to UPS and do my orientation/drug test. i hate drug tests.. especially, when there has to someone in there with you. i'm not good at peeing for a crowd. serious. that is the reason why i never joined the army. yes, that's right. i did all the tests and when it came time to pee, the well was dry. i must have drank 2 liters of water, but nothing and why? simple, theres some dude there making sure your not tainting the sample. whatever. anyways, i passed last night. go figure. so, the orientation went on forever because we had two morons in the class who were just so damn dumb and kept asking all these questions that had no relevance to the job. i damn near fell asleep. oh wait, before all of this, when i picked up nick, the checkout girl didn't even card me... hey, great security. anyways, we got home and i fed the monster son. i needed to do some wash and proceeded to the washer from hell. i guess i was so use to "our"/ your washer and dumped my clothes in, but i did put my soap in first. (wonder who taught me that) so, clothes are washing, i'm feeding the boo boo's and little boo boo's when suddenly the washer in clunking and rocking. it sounded like a damn like someone was picking it up and slammin it down over and over. i run down stairs like a track star only to find the washer is sideways and rockin. well, it turns out that "my" borrowed washer cannot really handle the load i expected. now that sucks. theres nothing worse than havin wet clothes sit out. here's where you come in, i remember being yelled at for load size. bigger loads = not very clean clothes. all is well now, i just to rewash everything.
okay, let's wrap up today's ramblings. how should i close? wait, i know, let's talk expecatations. peep the following quote, "I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.” - Fredrick Perls.
let me try to explain why i like this quote. for years, i tried or that i had to live up to some "set" expectation level for your approval. only to realize that you had no expectation level, you just wanted to be appreicated, respected, and cared for. can you believe it was that simple? where did i get off the path? well, i'm back on track, and maybe too late, but i can't give up yet.......
i also want to say, thank you for textin me and at least tryin to express how you feel. yes, i do get a little impatient, but i just want to show you how much i care for you, maybe more than you understand. i miss playin with your hair, rubbing your feet, thinking the same thoughts as you, and i miss just being with you.
i will watch nick this weekend. i could use the company. you go on out and have a good time.
expect nothing, and know that great things lie ahead for you...
Monday, August 27, 2007
well, it's monday again and you still hate me
i guess since i'm writing this it means i made it through the weekend safe and sound....
let's re-cap the weekend's events for those of you who are interested..
Friday - after another super slow day at work, i came home and decided to cut the grass and its a good thing i did when i did, cuz soon after i was done, it rained yet again. so, with the rain, i decided not to wash the car, and go to fred's drive in instead for a chicken dinner. well, after dinner i had to rearrange some furniture, since the cable people were coming on Saturday to hook me up. so, that my Friday night.
Saturday - the morning started off kinda early for me. go figure. i had at&t over at around 9am to install my cable package. goodbye time warner.... so, in the process, the rain had long since stopped and it was car washing time. after the car was washed, i decided to get my clothes together for the wedding i had to attend. i still really didn't feel like going. well, as luck would have it, at&t gone finished at around 2pm and i still hadn't got a gift or a card for this wedding. i was able to get showered, dressed, and arrive at the country club in a timely manner. the ceremony was nice, it was outside and the couple looked really cute together, but during the procession they had some family members reading some poems and that's where i heard the most amazing quote.... it was, "marriages don't fail, people do" man, that was deep and really took my mind on a journey. i almost feel like printing this statement out and making it my creed. i have never heard anything with so much truth in in. i failed you. i failed, and it really hurt.
the dinner was okay, and rest of the proceedings.... blah blah blah. the damn reception was filled with a ton of twenty somethings running around and it was not a very fun environment for me. i decided to come home early around 10:15 ish, but before i could come home, i had to stop at taco bell and grab that 4th meal.... god bless. during that time though, we did get a chance to exchange text messages, but than it just stopped.
Sunday - i awoke early, and was going to spend the day with the nickster... that was fun. we had breakfast and went out driving all over. during the time, nick had told me that we needed to make a gift for one for camp, so after some thought, we picked up a picture frame, some glitter, and some stickers. we came home after a great lunch, thank you mcdonalds. we came home and took a good picture. than i went to work and designed the frame. maybe its not the best, but it turned pretty neat. before you know it was 4pm and you were on your way to get nick. we you showed up, i was really nervous, but that soon turned into sadness, when you didn't bother to acknowledge me at all. well needless to my night sucked due to the events of earlier, but i was kinda happy with the email and text, but that was it. so, i layed around and watched tv till it was time for bed.
and here's monday.............
here's my last thought for the day, on my in here today, i had on heart & soul (chnl 51) and this song by anita baker came on, (no one in the world) and these first two verses just hit me.... enjoy.
"I look back on all those good times we once shared and I must have been blind just to think I'd find someone new one who'd love me better than you"
"Well, it may come as a surprise loneliness has opened my eyes I tried another love I could find still I can't get you out of my mind"
well, i guess i should go
thanks for at least texting me, it was nice to see your message
let's re-cap the weekend's events for those of you who are interested..
Friday - after another super slow day at work, i came home and decided to cut the grass and its a good thing i did when i did, cuz soon after i was done, it rained yet again. so, with the rain, i decided not to wash the car, and go to fred's drive in instead for a chicken dinner. well, after dinner i had to rearrange some furniture, since the cable people were coming on Saturday to hook me up. so, that my Friday night.
Saturday - the morning started off kinda early for me. go figure. i had at&t over at around 9am to install my cable package. goodbye time warner.... so, in the process, the rain had long since stopped and it was car washing time. after the car was washed, i decided to get my clothes together for the wedding i had to attend. i still really didn't feel like going. well, as luck would have it, at&t gone finished at around 2pm and i still hadn't got a gift or a card for this wedding. i was able to get showered, dressed, and arrive at the country club in a timely manner. the ceremony was nice, it was outside and the couple looked really cute together, but during the procession they had some family members reading some poems and that's where i heard the most amazing quote.... it was, "marriages don't fail, people do" man, that was deep and really took my mind on a journey. i almost feel like printing this statement out and making it my creed. i have never heard anything with so much truth in in. i failed you. i failed, and it really hurt.
the dinner was okay, and rest of the proceedings.... blah blah blah. the damn reception was filled with a ton of twenty somethings running around and it was not a very fun environment for me. i decided to come home early around 10:15 ish, but before i could come home, i had to stop at taco bell and grab that 4th meal.... god bless. during that time though, we did get a chance to exchange text messages, but than it just stopped.
Sunday - i awoke early, and was going to spend the day with the nickster... that was fun. we had breakfast and went out driving all over. during the time, nick had told me that we needed to make a gift for one for camp, so after some thought, we picked up a picture frame, some glitter, and some stickers. we came home after a great lunch, thank you mcdonalds. we came home and took a good picture. than i went to work and designed the frame. maybe its not the best, but it turned pretty neat. before you know it was 4pm and you were on your way to get nick. we you showed up, i was really nervous, but that soon turned into sadness, when you didn't bother to acknowledge me at all. well needless to my night sucked due to the events of earlier, but i was kinda happy with the email and text, but that was it. so, i layed around and watched tv till it was time for bed.
and here's monday.............
here's my last thought for the day, on my in here today, i had on heart & soul (chnl 51) and this song by anita baker came on, (no one in the world) and these first two verses just hit me.... enjoy.
"I look back on all those good times we once shared and I must have been blind just to think I'd find someone new one who'd love me better than you"
"Well, it may come as a surprise loneliness has opened my eyes I tried another love I could find still I can't get you out of my mind"
well, i guess i should go
thanks for at least texting me, it was nice to see your message
Friday, August 24, 2007
Is There Any Worse Feeling, Than When No One Loves You
Okay, this is really starting to suck. Man, I just want to hug you, see you, just be in your life... but I guess that's not really possible. I didn't something really off the wall yesterday, I got to thinking, and I decided to drop off a card for you mom. It was a short, to the point type of card and I told her I was sorry for a lot of things. I just wanted her to know that I was appreciative of everything she has done for us. So, yesterday I was listening to the radio and Another Again, came on. That song is really powerful. Well, the rain has let up for a little bit I think. I hope the Nickster is doing well. I can't to see him, at least Sunday.
My weekend is shot, because I have this wedding to go to tomorrow. I have to tell you, that I feel like going to this wedding, as much as Micheal Vick feels like going P.E.T.A. This is possibly the last thing I need to see. I mean the happiness, and all the other festivities that goes along with it. Maybe, I just don't feel like being happy or being around happy people.
I need to wash the car. I hate a dirty car. At least I'm not spending my time at the laundry mat anymore. God, I really miss you. I have no one to share my food with. No one to share my thoughts with. No one to hang out with and talk about people with. I have no one to share this whole life experience thing with.
Yeah, I know this one is a little short today, but I should do some work today. Maybe I'll come back and ad some more.
Anyways, I hope the hair thingy is working out for you...
T-
My weekend is shot, because I have this wedding to go to tomorrow. I have to tell you, that I feel like going to this wedding, as much as Micheal Vick feels like going P.E.T.A. This is possibly the last thing I need to see. I mean the happiness, and all the other festivities that goes along with it. Maybe, I just don't feel like being happy or being around happy people.
I need to wash the car. I hate a dirty car. At least I'm not spending my time at the laundry mat anymore. God, I really miss you. I have no one to share my food with. No one to share my thoughts with. No one to hang out with and talk about people with. I have no one to share this whole life experience thing with.
Yeah, I know this one is a little short today, but I should do some work today. Maybe I'll come back and ad some more.
Anyways, I hope the hair thingy is working out for you...
T-
Thursday, August 23, 2007
well another day, another rainstorm,
welcome to thursday.... first off, enough of this damn rain already, but i do have to say, i'm so glad we got rid of that house. you know i woke up today and i was in the mood to rant and start yelling about everything, but i have to admit, that wouldn't have been the smartest thing i've done. so, here we are, still no talking, still no nothing.... it sucks. i miss you. i really do. i wanna try and not miss you, but that doesn't work. there's only so much wash and so much cleaning i can do to pass the time. i was driving in to work today and started thinking, what the hell am i going to do without you? you never understood how much i loved having you there with me. yes, i should have showed it more, but nonetheless, it was so nice to be around you. even in the end, when we in separate rooms. i remember i would try to chance glimpse's of you passing me by in the house. i thought i was being cute, but actually, i wasn't.
i have decided that i'm going to focus my efforts now on building a time machine, so i can go back in time. i want to go back in time and remove me from your life. yes, i know that means nick wouldn't be here, but there is no way anyone should have endured what i put you through. we all know, from the start, i was not perfect, but i tried. so, as we went on, in order to try and preserve what i thought was perfection, i became deathly afraid of admitting mistakes. i look at things now, and i see, that you needed a man and not just for sex. the sex was never the issue. it was everything else. you needed a friend, a companion, a partner who help you anyway possible. i tried to help, but not in the ways needed. you needed help with the checkbook or things of that nature. this is why i want to go back. i remember our last time together, which is by far, the worst time, for me at least, and you made a comment about not wanting to have a baby, well, because of what was going on at the time, and you said to me, that you would have wanted another baby with me. i can't tell you how touched i was. i mean me? how can the physical chemistry be what it is with us and have everything else be not so good?
anyways, back to the rant thing, with all this time i got to thinking about things, as usual, for one, here you are sleeping with some dude (Leon) who you couldn't stop talking about.... did you forget, the snoring, the fact that he sleeps on mattress with no sheets.... how are you suppose to have relationship with a guy living with his mom. wait, that's right, he's just the FB..... yeah, i guess you could say i'm hatin.... on that note, i hope that your little situation has rectified itself, if not, i'm still here if you need me.
damn, i just hate all of this. i wish i could tell you how i'm not the person i was. i have been through.... no, wait, we have been through a hell of a emotional roller coaster. the ride sucked. i wish i could have been stronger and just dismissed the stupid divorce, but i thought it would help if we started fresh.. boy, was i wrong. (again)
i know more than likely your not going to read this, but i really wish these words would help you understand.
give the nickster some love from daddy, tell him i can't wait to see him.
i have decided that i'm going to focus my efforts now on building a time machine, so i can go back in time. i want to go back in time and remove me from your life. yes, i know that means nick wouldn't be here, but there is no way anyone should have endured what i put you through. we all know, from the start, i was not perfect, but i tried. so, as we went on, in order to try and preserve what i thought was perfection, i became deathly afraid of admitting mistakes. i look at things now, and i see, that you needed a man and not just for sex. the sex was never the issue. it was everything else. you needed a friend, a companion, a partner who help you anyway possible. i tried to help, but not in the ways needed. you needed help with the checkbook or things of that nature. this is why i want to go back. i remember our last time together, which is by far, the worst time, for me at least, and you made a comment about not wanting to have a baby, well, because of what was going on at the time, and you said to me, that you would have wanted another baby with me. i can't tell you how touched i was. i mean me? how can the physical chemistry be what it is with us and have everything else be not so good?
anyways, back to the rant thing, with all this time i got to thinking about things, as usual, for one, here you are sleeping with some dude (Leon) who you couldn't stop talking about.... did you forget, the snoring, the fact that he sleeps on mattress with no sheets.... how are you suppose to have relationship with a guy living with his mom. wait, that's right, he's just the FB..... yeah, i guess you could say i'm hatin.... on that note, i hope that your little situation has rectified itself, if not, i'm still here if you need me.
damn, i just hate all of this. i wish i could tell you how i'm not the person i was. i have been through.... no, wait, we have been through a hell of a emotional roller coaster. the ride sucked. i wish i could have been stronger and just dismissed the stupid divorce, but i thought it would help if we started fresh.. boy, was i wrong. (again)
i know more than likely your not going to read this, but i really wish these words would help you understand.
give the nickster some love from daddy, tell him i can't wait to see him.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
tell me it was just a bad dream
well, here we are at Wednesday and I'm still feeling like the world's biggest dick. (not literally either) Although, I did have a break in bleak lonely world that is my life. Yes, that's right I had company last night. Finally, the cats were spared a night of me over-loving them. You see last night, my son stayed with me, because you worked late last night. Man, it was fun. Sorry, I didn't realize that the presence of an 8 year would do that to me. It was nice just to put everything away, and be "daddy." It got me to thinking after he fell asleep on the air mattress, how is able to be so strong? I mean I know I have done some stupid shit to you, I mean lying to you about the littlest things, but I watched him sleeping there and I really taken by his innoncence and how he deserve none of this, but yet he still loved for me for who I was. He didn't care. He just wanted to hang out with me. It hit me like a hard punch to the gut. I always tried to be so perfect and I never wanted you to see a weak side of me, and that's where the lying started I think. I always knew you had security issues with me and they were rightly justified, but in the end, I LOVED YOU and I ALWAYS WILL. I was never pursued as hard as I was by you. I guess the power of that feeling made me feel so superior. I know I did some shady things, and I know the whole Jennifer thing haunts you. I wish I could forgot the whole thing, I wish I was still married.... It's pretty sad to think how far I have fallen, cuz this is what I wanted... Yeah right! I kept telling myself how I wanted to start fresh with you... Who was I kidding? You just can't wrap 15 years up and pack it away and pretend it never happened, but you fight and try to make up for the bad, right? You hear the phrase, "that if you believe in something, fight for it", but in my case, how do you re-establish that trust or do you? I believe in the power of communication now. I never use to want to talk to anyone and if I did talk, it was always with someone who was removed from the situation. Personally, that was a super bad move on my part. I have found that through all of this, that the one thing I sought, the one thing, I wanted or needed, I had in front of my face. You were there next to me the whole time. You can't imagine what you mean to me. In fact, you never will, since I'm not as good as others, when it comes to expressing my emotions for you. You tell me that I never really showed the emotion for you when we were together, but you need to understand, that my emotions were shown in my actions when we were together. The touching is one way, just because I was expressing myself verbally, please do not get it twisted to the point of I didn't care.
I lied about alot of things, but I never lied about the fact that I loved you. I know my mistakes tend to outweight my accomplishments, but I'm slowly turning this around and in order for anything to work, I need to honest with myself and those around me. Yes, I'm mad as hell about the whole Leon thing. I know I shouldn't be, but it really does hurt. Your a grown woman, I know this and beautiful one at that, I just can't let go. I'm sorry.
So, last night I'm on the way to pick up Nick and next thing you know, that song by De Barge comes on the radio... Talk about irony. I guess it's not important now.
Hopefully today will go by rather quickly. Thanks again for the cavitini, it was good, two days later.
Stay incredible
I lied about alot of things, but I never lied about the fact that I loved you. I know my mistakes tend to outweight my accomplishments, but I'm slowly turning this around and in order for anything to work, I need to honest with myself and those around me. Yes, I'm mad as hell about the whole Leon thing. I know I shouldn't be, but it really does hurt. Your a grown woman, I know this and beautiful one at that, I just can't let go. I'm sorry.
So, last night I'm on the way to pick up Nick and next thing you know, that song by De Barge comes on the radio... Talk about irony. I guess it's not important now.
Hopefully today will go by rather quickly. Thanks again for the cavitini, it was good, two days later.
Stay incredible
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Another Day - My Jealously Gets the Best Of Me
08/21/07
Well, the morning started off somewhat the same, but I was kinda happy, because at least I would get to see for a brief moment today, but that was not to be the case.
When will I get this right? I'm really tryin to keep my sanity and composure, but damn it's so hard. I want to keep fightin and keep tryin, but the stupidest things just set me off. Today, we were doing good, until the Friday dinner thing with Leon thing. I just wanted to keep my mouth shut, but it was not to be. My overwhelming jealously took over and you had hung up on me once again. The weird thing about all of this is how well the weekend went, I mean I even saw you smile a couple times and here we are back again to being mad at each other. Will this trend ever end? Am I not supposed to be jealous? Maybe I shouldn't care at all, but I do and that's where the problems occur. I hate being mad at you, especailly when it's over something so stupid. I here Leon and I all can think about is the fact that your sleeping with him. I know, our not my problem anymore and I should let it go.... Yeah, maybe I should grow up too. I cannot help my childish/spoiled attitude, but it just gets the best of me sometimes. I really am sorry. I see that I still harbor some very strong feelings for you.
Well, the morning started off somewhat the same, but I was kinda happy, because at least I would get to see for a brief moment today, but that was not to be the case.
When will I get this right? I'm really tryin to keep my sanity and composure, but damn it's so hard. I want to keep fightin and keep tryin, but the stupidest things just set me off. Today, we were doing good, until the Friday dinner thing with Leon thing. I just wanted to keep my mouth shut, but it was not to be. My overwhelming jealously took over and you had hung up on me once again. The weird thing about all of this is how well the weekend went, I mean I even saw you smile a couple times and here we are back again to being mad at each other. Will this trend ever end? Am I not supposed to be jealous? Maybe I shouldn't care at all, but I do and that's where the problems occur. I hate being mad at you, especailly when it's over something so stupid. I here Leon and I all can think about is the fact that your sleeping with him. I know, our not my problem anymore and I should let it go.... Yeah, maybe I should grow up too. I cannot help my childish/spoiled attitude, but it just gets the best of me sometimes. I really am sorry. I see that I still harbor some very strong feelings for you.
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