you know there's nothing like a early Tuesday morning listening to Barry White..... maybe its just me.... no, it's not. i started to drift off and think of the intimate times we shared and how we fit together so perfectly one way, but when it came to the mental part of the relationship, i failed real bad. the funny part is realizing at 36 all the mistakes you have made in life and than trying to figure out a way to repair the damage. pretty much impossible, because just like a credit report, your mistakes are with you forever. the other suck part, for me at least is being this old and wanting to experience love. i know that may sound a little strange, i mean i have been in love, but i mean "love".. the kind that makes were you think about the other person 24/7. or the kinda where you just are consumed by the other person. i was under the impression that i was getting that chance, but that was not to be due to my past once again, but here's the kicker, my dumb ass thought that maybe i could just make this happen or try to create it with you. i really didn't understand that due to some incidents from my past, that it wasn't that easy for you, but i did try. at least i thought so, but because i had a sharing issue, i was no longer part of your life. the hard part of all this is going from day to day and being this "new" or "changed" man, but still having a past that continues to haunt me. we don't choose the people that well fall in love with, it just happens. yeah, maybe it happened at very bad time for me, but i will not just ignore this feeling. I LOVE YOU. i don't care if you don't love me anymore, because of the lies or the whole jennifer thing. for being a 30 something year old man, i acted like a damn 17 year old kid. do you know how it feels? okay, stupid question. of course you do, but about a million times worse. most of the time, i feel i shouldn't even be here with you. why couldn't i have seen who you were? why could i not see how you cared till now?
the funny thing is the tears that i cry sometimes and how real they are. the whole thing just makes me feel like giving up completely... but than i remember the one bright spot in my life, nick-tini. i think without him i would gone nuts or worse. yes, i'm sorry for sending home to you with those messages. don't be mad at him. i was me who put him up to it.
let's change gears here for a minute, last night i got the chance to test the new dvr and man, it was cool. i can record anything. i think pausing live tv is also the most incredible thing, well besides you of course... silly. see, last night i had to UPS and do my orientation/drug test. i hate drug tests.. especially, when there has to someone in there with you. i'm not good at peeing for a crowd. serious. that is the reason why i never joined the army. yes, that's right. i did all the tests and when it came time to pee, the well was dry. i must have drank 2 liters of water, but nothing and why? simple, theres some dude there making sure your not tainting the sample. whatever. anyways, i passed last night. go figure. so, the orientation went on forever because we had two morons in the class who were just so damn dumb and kept asking all these questions that had no relevance to the job. i damn near fell asleep. oh wait, before all of this, when i picked up nick, the checkout girl didn't even card me... hey, great security. anyways, we got home and i fed the monster son. i needed to do some wash and proceeded to the washer from hell. i guess i was so use to "our"/ your washer and dumped my clothes in, but i did put my soap in first. (wonder who taught me that) so, clothes are washing, i'm feeding the boo boo's and little boo boo's when suddenly the washer in clunking and rocking. it sounded like a damn like someone was picking it up and slammin it down over and over. i run down stairs like a track star only to find the washer is sideways and rockin. well, it turns out that "my" borrowed washer cannot really handle the load i expected. now that sucks. theres nothing worse than havin wet clothes sit out. here's where you come in, i remember being yelled at for load size. bigger loads = not very clean clothes. all is well now, i just to rewash everything.
okay, let's wrap up today's ramblings. how should i close? wait, i know, let's talk expecatations. peep the following quote, "I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can't be helped.” - Fredrick Perls.
let me try to explain why i like this quote. for years, i tried or that i had to live up to some "set" expectation level for your approval. only to realize that you had no expectation level, you just wanted to be appreicated, respected, and cared for. can you believe it was that simple? where did i get off the path? well, i'm back on track, and maybe too late, but i can't give up yet.......
i also want to say, thank you for textin me and at least tryin to express how you feel. yes, i do get a little impatient, but i just want to show you how much i care for you, maybe more than you understand. i miss playin with your hair, rubbing your feet, thinking the same thoughts as you, and i miss just being with you.
i will watch nick this weekend. i could use the company. you go on out and have a good time.
expect nothing, and know that great things lie ahead for you...
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