well, here we are at Wednesday and I'm still feeling like the world's biggest dick. (not literally either) Although, I did have a break in bleak lonely world that is my life. Yes, that's right I had company last night. Finally, the cats were spared a night of me over-loving them. You see last night, my son stayed with me, because you worked late last night. Man, it was fun. Sorry, I didn't realize that the presence of an 8 year would do that to me. It was nice just to put everything away, and be "daddy." It got me to thinking after he fell asleep on the air mattress, how is able to be so strong? I mean I know I have done some stupid shit to you, I mean lying to you about the littlest things, but I watched him sleeping there and I really taken by his innoncence and how he deserve none of this, but yet he still loved for me for who I was. He didn't care. He just wanted to hang out with me. It hit me like a hard punch to the gut. I always tried to be so perfect and I never wanted you to see a weak side of me, and that's where the lying started I think. I always knew you had security issues with me and they were rightly justified, but in the end, I LOVED YOU and I ALWAYS WILL. I was never pursued as hard as I was by you. I guess the power of that feeling made me feel so superior. I know I did some shady things, and I know the whole Jennifer thing haunts you. I wish I could forgot the whole thing, I wish I was still married.... It's pretty sad to think how far I have fallen, cuz this is what I wanted... Yeah right! I kept telling myself how I wanted to start fresh with you... Who was I kidding? You just can't wrap 15 years up and pack it away and pretend it never happened, but you fight and try to make up for the bad, right? You hear the phrase, "that if you believe in something, fight for it", but in my case, how do you re-establish that trust or do you? I believe in the power of communication now. I never use to want to talk to anyone and if I did talk, it was always with someone who was removed from the situation. Personally, that was a super bad move on my part. I have found that through all of this, that the one thing I sought, the one thing, I wanted or needed, I had in front of my face. You were there next to me the whole time. You can't imagine what you mean to me. In fact, you never will, since I'm not as good as others, when it comes to expressing my emotions for you. You tell me that I never really showed the emotion for you when we were together, but you need to understand, that my emotions were shown in my actions when we were together. The touching is one way, just because I was expressing myself verbally, please do not get it twisted to the point of I didn't care.
I lied about alot of things, but I never lied about the fact that I loved you. I know my mistakes tend to outweight my accomplishments, but I'm slowly turning this around and in order for anything to work, I need to honest with myself and those around me. Yes, I'm mad as hell about the whole Leon thing. I know I shouldn't be, but it really does hurt. Your a grown woman, I know this and beautiful one at that, I just can't let go. I'm sorry.
So, last night I'm on the way to pick up Nick and next thing you know, that song by De Barge comes on the radio... Talk about irony. I guess it's not important now.
Hopefully today will go by rather quickly. Thanks again for the cavitini, it was good, two days later.
Stay incredible
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