well another day, another rainstorm,

welcome to thursday.... first off, enough of this damn rain already, but i do have to say, i'm so glad we got rid of that house. you know i woke up today and i was in the mood to rant and start yelling about everything, but i have to admit, that wouldn't have been the smartest thing i've done. so, here we are, still no talking, still no nothing.... it sucks. i miss you. i really do. i wanna try and not miss you, but that doesn't work. there's only so much wash and so much cleaning i can do to pass the time. i was driving in to work today and started thinking, what the hell am i going to do without you? you never understood how much i loved having you there with me. yes, i should have showed it more, but nonetheless, it was so nice to be around you. even in the end, when we in separate rooms. i remember i would try to chance glimpse's of you passing me by in the house. i thought i was being cute, but actually, i wasn't.

i have decided that i'm going to focus my efforts now on building a time machine, so i can go back in time. i want to go back in time and remove me from your life. yes, i know that means nick wouldn't be here, but there is no way anyone should have endured what i put you through. we all know, from the start, i was not perfect, but i tried. so, as we went on, in order to try and preserve what i thought was perfection, i became deathly afraid of admitting mistakes. i look at things now, and i see, that you needed a man and not just for sex. the sex was never the issue. it was everything else. you needed a friend, a companion, a partner who help you anyway possible. i tried to help, but not in the ways needed. you needed help with the checkbook or things of that nature. this is why i want to go back. i remember our last time together, which is by far, the worst time, for me at least, and you made a comment about not wanting to have a baby, well, because of what was going on at the time, and you said to me, that you would have wanted another baby with me. i can't tell you how touched i was. i mean me? how can the physical chemistry be what it is with us and have everything else be not so good?

anyways, back to the rant thing, with all this time i got to thinking about things, as usual, for one, here you are sleeping with some dude (Leon) who you couldn't stop talking about.... did you forget, the snoring, the fact that he sleeps on mattress with no sheets.... how are you suppose to have relationship with a guy living with his mom. wait, that's right, he's just the FB..... yeah, i guess you could say i'm hatin.... on that note, i hope that your little situation has rectified itself, if not, i'm still here if you need me.

damn, i just hate all of this. i wish i could tell you how i'm not the person i was. i have been through.... no, wait, we have been through a hell of a emotional roller coaster. the ride sucked. i wish i could have been stronger and just dismissed the stupid divorce, but i thought it would help if we started fresh.. boy, was i wrong. (again)

i know more than likely your not going to read this, but i really wish these words would help you understand.

give the nickster some love from daddy, tell him i can't wait to see him.