what to do when you want someone and that someone doesn't want you

okay, i'm back. whether it be by popular demand or other. i just i have been a little too busy lately and thought i'd better get back to sharing my opionins and views on the life, love, and the overall state of my sanity. in my time awhile i thought about alot of things and watched alot of things as well. i live everyday with the regret of losing my family due to some stupid decisions that i made. everyday this regret is ever so present and sometimes rears its ugly side, but i'm only a man and cannot control these emotions. as per usual when i write, i like to note a song that has inspired me and today is no different. today is a very special song, it's "Sorry For The Stupid Things" by Babyface. you know listening to this almost had me in tears. here is the first verse.......

Sometimes we wish for the better
When we have it good as it gets
Sometimes the grass isn't greener
Sometimes we find out we forget

i'm sorry but to me that was so very powerful. as a man, and being the youngest of three, i was use to getting my way. okay, i was spoiled. i was a pain in the ass when i didn' get my way. 15 years ago, i came in contact with the most incredible woman on the face of this earth, but i didn't see it. i will get back to that, but a cute side note was, when i looking through some things of mine, i ran across a picture of you from 1992. do you remember? i know i do. even back than you had a certain "standout-ability" about you, which made you a "must" have for me. so, with me gettin what i wanted, i was lucky enough that you liked me, which made us gettin together a little easier. sorry i had to share. anyways, back to the story and the song. look at that first verse. how many of us have been in the situation and wondered what's on the "other" side? if you say you haven't, you are lying. sorry. i think this was one of my major downfalls. i didn't realize just how phenomenal you were, until now. is it too late. i'm told my chance, my turn, whatever, has passed. i'm told to move on and go find someone else. here's the question i pose to you.... how do you replace the most beautifulest woman in the world? how do you replace a woman who stood by you, know matter what the circumstance? answer, YOU DON'T! sure dating would be a fun thing. maybe even a good thing, but i have feelings for you. when i close my eyes at night, i think of you. i refuse to go out and meet just anyone. sorry. i went through a "mid-life crisis" per say. possibly at the worst time of my life. i think about you everyday day/night and its constant. even when were mad, i still thought about you. yes, i know you care, but not ever being able to feel the love or the closeness, just kills me. we shared the most intimate of times. things i will never forget. things i think about now and still laugh. it amazed me how we laughed about the dumbest things or were able to think the same. for an example, we would be laying in bed, watching tv or whatever and suddenly, i would have to fart. yeah, go ahead guys laugh. i'm the only one. anyways, i would try to be cool about it and slide it out without any detection of sound, which i was good at, but i would get caught on the back end (no pun) with the stence. now, here's the funny part. there were only two of us there, and once you caught wind, you would ask, did you? and of course, i would say, "did what?" BUSTED!! i couldn't hide a fart to save my life, but it was funny because it would be the same routine everytime.

lets get back to the serious stuff, if you notice the title of this entry, you will note an interesting title. let me dumb it down a little bit. its like being in class and the teacher asks a question. you shoot your hand up with the answer and nothing happens. is the teacher blind? can she not see my f-ing hand? hello? well, here's the thing, everyone else is available to answer the question, except you. (or me in this case) which all this ties into the regret thing and the song. it hurts more than i care to discuss here. know matter what i do or say, it will never be enough. it will never make you love me again. i can't change the events of the past and they say everything happens for a reason, but man, why did this happen? why did it happen to you? why did i do this to my family? i can't really answer any of the "why's" just asked, but i stand here a broken man with no one to help me put the pieces together. this is not the official invite for the Tracy Brown pity party, its merely a statement of how i feel. as friends now, i admit, its difficult, but we have nick. its hard seeing you and not wanting to put my hands of you or steal a kiss every now and than. believe it or not, i cherish the time we see each other, even if its for minute. i never wanted us to end up like this. i had everything i needed. no other woman could give me what you have given to me. you touched me, but all of that means nothing now. the funny thing is that you asked for someone to come unlock your heart, so you can relish in the world of love and being in love. see, i have the key, but lock has been changed................

babygirl, i do love you, but how much is something you will never know.

let me leave you with this...... (and really read this one)

Sometimes I wish I was smarter
Wish I was a bit more like you
Not making stupid decisions made at the last minute
You live to regret when it's through

oh yeah, and for the rest of you expecting me to share some more personal stories of failure, stay tuned